I normally wouldn’t think of reprinting something in our blog but this is too funny, especially after both Mary and I just drove a thousand miles to have a colonoscopy.

Borrowed from Dave Barry (a very funny guy)
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked…

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

But he forgot my personal favorite (as I have an endoscopy along with my colonoscopy). I always ask if they’ll do the endoscopy, first.

We learned early on that we were inflicted with the common cruiser malady, Cruiseheimers. Early stages are indicated by loss of time perception. The days of the week go first, soon followed by “what month is this?” Time is divided into “daytime” and “nighttime”. Well we’ve now discovered that there is a name for us when we take our periodic land tours; CLOD’s, Cruisers living on dirt!

After a day of rest we started in on the reconditioning of the cabin. The weather started out very hot and humid but soon it was pouring down rain. Working in a closed cabin in these conditions was not going to work so we decided to get an air conditioner. We had an appointment at the Apple Store in Annapolis to get the MacBook worked on (broken case) so decided to make a day out of it. After taking the computer in we headed over to Chick & Ruth’s Delly for lunch.

This is one of my favorites!!! What a great lunch. From here went to Home Depot and picked up a small $99 air conditioner. Back to the mall to pick up the computer, (YES, they fixed it in about 5 hours) and then back to the boat.

We got one bulkhead refinished before we got a call from Madison. Mary’s son, Tom had been in a car accident and his brother Will wanted his mom to help out. Off we went and drove through the night to arrive the next day. Happily, Tom will be all right after some healing and rehab. Mary may have to remain in Madison for the remainder of the summer but I will head back to ready the boat for another cruising season. What fun we have!

After settling in at the marina we had to set our minds on taking care of business for the summer. The boat cabin needs refinishing and there’s a multitude of repairs to be made from one season’s use. Also our annual visit to Wisconsin for health care needs to be accomplished. A careful look at the calender indicated we should have plenty of time to get everything done if we got the land tour done first. We decided to leave after celebrating the 4th in Washington D.C.

Cousin Cheryl, Mary and I left about mid afternoon for Washington. After parking we took the train in and met up with Cheryl’s daughter and grand daughter. We staked out a spot near the Lincoln Memorial. The crowds were growing but very manageable.

By nightfall the mall was pretty much full and the crowd was ready for action. The show began. It was a good display, too short by my standards, but there’s nothing like watching fireworks in the nations capitol.

With the boat secured and the car all packed, we left on Land Tour 2009 two days later. As a steady rain fell we headed west, south of Washington. After a quiet night we drove off the Interstate and into the back roads of West Virginia. It was a beautiful ride up and down the mountains with very little traffic. Our lunch stop took us to Philippe, a very nice little town and home to an historic covered bridge believed to be the site of the first land battle of the Civil War.

That evening we checked into our hotel in Columbus, Ohio and after a dinner of sliders from White Castle and a marathon of Texas Hold’em on TV we finally turned off the lights. Our goal for day 3 would be Rockford and a visit with fellow cruisers, Gary and Marcia.

Always the consummate hosts we had our fill of fine red meat and a bountiful breakfast. Our visit was great but too short as always. We headed off for Madison and arrived there just after noon.

This visit was crammed full of doctors visits, exams, tests, prods, pokes, etc. I even found time to get a root canal which I had been putting off since March. We had a chance to visit family and friends and had a great time. Our apologies to all we missed. Soon we were off to Oklahoma to visit my kids and grand kids.

This was a special treat since my son, Jordan was up from Texas for the week. We did all the usual stuff, played games, watched Sponge Bob, went to the playground, fixed brakes on Jordan’s car, swam in the pool, spent the day at Bass Pro Shops and generally hung out.

While in Tulsa we stopped at the Apple Store and bought an iPhone from James who now works there. That purchase would soon earn it’s keep several times over.

Too soon it was time to hit the road and head home. Mary need to mark Mississippi off her map so we headed that way with an overnight stop in Tupelo, boyhood home of Elvis Presley. The next day we headed out to take the Natchez Trace Parkway to Tennessee. Problem was we couldn’t find an entrance to it. Out came the phone and we activated the map and gps feature. We at least could see where we were and where are road was a soon enough we found our way on. Pretty cool gadget. In our haste to find the road I overlooked our fuel situation and soon we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere and running on fumes. Break out the phone and do a quick search for “gas” and there it was 1.8 miles to our north, sweeet!

The parkway is very nice with scenic stops along the way. There was no traffic all the way to Nashville. That evening after experiencing a terrifying storm while driving through the mountains near Knoxville we arrived at my sister’s home in rural eastern Tennessee. It’s so nice to have familiar places to stop along the way! It really helps recharge the batteries.

Two days later, we were back on the boat. Good to be home!

Our original intention had been to stay somewhere in Solomons but we really started looking too late and there were very few affordable spots left for us. We found an ad for slips in a marina off the Potomac in a local sailing magazine and drove over to look at it. There was two slips that would work for us but they were reluctant to rent to “liveaboards”. Grrr … They decided we didn’t look like total n’er do wells so they went out on a limb and took us in. It’s very protected and calm. The entrance is almost as tricky and shallow as Horn Harbor and I have to dock stern to. Life is full of challenges.

Our neighbors are very nice but they sometimes squawk a little too loudly.

Having “given away” our last car prior to setting sail, we had never thought we would be getting another one so soon. Our lives require a visit back to Wisconsin at least once a year for health insurance reasons. One months car rental is pretty steep so we decided that maybe we would look for something inexpensive to buy and maybe sell at the end of the summer. We had checked the internet for a few weeks before arriving in Solomons and hadn’t found a lot to look at. Hoping that the local papers would have more we were pretty disappointed to find out that there were essentially no local papers! Utilizing mostly AutoTrader and Craigslist we found five cars to look at. That turned out to be the easy part.

Usually renting a car is as easy as a phone call, but not this time. Enterprise had nothing for us this weekend and couldn’t pick us up from Solomons anyway. Tuesday we got a car and started our search. First up was a Mazda MPV van offered at a lot. Google maps sent us 20 miles out into a corn field. There were no cars. We called and got directions and soon showed up at what looked like a chop shop. The MPV wasn’t really ready since it hadn’t been “cleaned” yet. The carpets and all the seats had been removed. They were unbelievably filthy! We weren’t sure that someone had not died in this vehicle. Given a pass, the dealer thought we might like this “classic” Cadillac Sedan de Ville. The vinyl top had been removed (?) and the top had chunks of foam and vinyl still attached. We burned rubber on the way out. End of day one.

Day two was starting better. A Mercury Sable wagon at a used car lot was very clean but over priced. It didn’t matter since we couldn’t find anyone to even talk to us about this car. We moved on. Next up was a clean looking Oldsmobile Intrigue at another used car lot.

Nice car but the air conditioning was not blowing as cold as we’d like. The salesman said “you’re going to Wisconsin, you don’t need it real cold.” Really? They said that they would fix it but just didn’t seem to be all that excited.

Another Olds, this time an Alero, was too far away and had over 200,000 miles on it. We decided to run up to Edgewater, near Annapolis and look at a Toyota Corolla, being offered by a private seller. The car wasn’t too bad but somewhat overpriced. Mom explained that her husband had lost his job and they were expecting their third child and really needed to sell this car to get a van. Geez, how can you resist that! We had one car to go so we told her we’d wait but were interested.

Temptation almost overcame us on this beauty. It definitely suited our “liveaboard lifestyle”! Price was right and it had more amenities than some of the others, but many of you know how I feel about generators, so we passed on it. I wonder if I can get solar panels? Hmmm …

Off we went to see the last car of the day. The Jetta looked pretty clean and wasn’t priced out of line, actually hardly a couple hundred more than the Corolla.

The car was clean and the owner was in love with her car. It was named “Jettie” and we could tell that if it wasn’t for its age and miles she probably would be keeping it. Mary loved it and so we bought it. Sounds easy? Not quite!

Needing cash we figured we’d get cash from our savings at Capital One. Google locations and gee, the closest is 75 miles away in McLean, Virginia. Great!!! Ok, keeping the rental car for another day, we head out. Ends up we’re going to Capital One Corporate Headquarters. After clearing security, we headed for the bank to get some cash. Turns out that online accounts and “real” bank accounts aren’t exactly in the same place. No problem. The teller decides she’s going to make this work and sets us up for a new account and we transfer cash and presto we have the necessary cash in hand to buy the car. Off we go to meet the seller.

We’re at the Maryland Tag and Title with maybe a half hour to spare. Sign the bill of sale, hand over the cash, and finish off all the paperwork. Easy, but wait! Seems we can’t license a vehicle in Maryland unless we have Maryland license numbers. We are residents of Florida. Get your plates there. Oh wait, you can’t if you leave the car in Maryland. You need Maryland plates but you need a Maryland license. Oh, you mean a license number, not a drivers license number! Ok, cool, we can do that. What you can’t do that until we undergo a “background” check. After all you are not “from here”. Great, we need plates and a car. Now what? Have the seller leave their plates on the vehicle, I thought you said we couldn’t do that? A couple of days won’t hurt, ok, we can do that.

Well we got everything squared away. Threw lots of money at the hassles and they all went away. We have now invested so much emotionally and financially into this car I guess we need to keep it awhile.